Anti-Social

My kids have called me anti-social for years. My parents tell me all the time I'm not friendly and finally - last Sunday, my dear husband said I was anti-social. I really don't see that, but if they keep it up - well you know what they say - you hear it long enough you start believing it.

Just because I don't go out does not make me anti-social. Just because I don't chat up the neighbors doesn't make me anti-social.

Let's look at those two points. It's true that I don't like to socialize. By the time we get around to going out - it's late and I've worked all day. Whether I worked at a job or just around the house. I'm so exhausted that I often ache. Then there is the getting ready - if I've been cleaning, or have gone to the gym, I have to get cleaned up and made up - which makes me even more tired. When we do get to our destination - usually the local Eagles - it's noisy. With my thyroid pressing on my vocal chords, my voice is barely audible so conversation is nearly impossible.

It's very hard to have fun, when I don't feel well and let's face it - I'm fat. My husband's ex-g/f has made it very uncomfortable for me - she and her friends moo at me when I'm out. I don't feel pretty any more.

Then there is conversation. When it is quiet enough to chat - I have no idea what these people are talking about. I don't bowl; I don't play bingo; My kids have left home and we rarely speak. My parents spend half a year in Florida - we rarely speak. I work a job that most people see as intimidating so it's hard to have a conversation. You can only talk about the weather for so long.

As for the neighbors...I'll be friendly, but I don't want them over all the time - which has happened in the past. I know my husband wants me to be friendly with the new woman who moved in across the street, but - it worries me. She's a widow. I don't want to be friendly so she thinks it's ok to ask my husband to do things for her. Maybe that's a bit paranoid, but when you're the third wife, you're paranoid.

Waiting

I've never been good at waiting. The longer I have to wait, the more my anxiety climbs. Three weeks ago I noticed that my thyroid was pressing against my vocal chords making it hard to speak. I tried to make an appointment that week, but the first time I could see the doctor was on Monday of last week. Not so bad, as I didn't really know what was going on.

The Monday appt. got changed to Tuesday because the doctor was sick. Tuesday I finally got in and waited nearly an hour and a half to see the doctor - who ordered blood tests and an uptake scan.

The blood tests were done immediately. The uptake scan scheduled on Thursday. I did all of the registration, filed the paperwork and was waiting for the test when one of the techs came out and told me the machine was broken and they couldn't perform the test. They were suppose to reschedule it for me at another hospital - I waited - they didn't. I called my doctor - it took the office over a day to re-schedule.

Meanwhile, my blood test results aren't in yet. I'm hoping that by the time I see the endrocrynologist (a week from Tuesday) all of the tests will be in and he can see what's going on and get me on some medication. I'm tired of waiting. I've been waiting for nearly 20 years for this to be over.

I told my doctor in the early 90s something's wrong. That doctor sent me to the University hospital to a specialist - nothing's really wrong. I went to another doctor who said you're just getting older I was in my early 30s. In 2005 - my doctor said your thyroid is enlarged let's run some tests - yeah it's not normal but not bad enough to do something.

In 2007, my cholestrol was high so the women's clinic sent me to a health clinic for people without insurance who had an ultrasound done. Oops- you have nodules and they could be cancerous - go find an oncologist. I ended up at another clinic, had a biopsy - no cancer - just nods, don't worry about it - you'll be fine.

FINE??? I'm not fine, I'm exhausted. I'm irritable. I feel miserable. I hate myself. I don't eat - so I'm cranky and light-headed, but yet I gain weight; I don't feel pretty or sexy. Now my neck is swollen and it hurts to swallow. I wonder if my throat is going to swell shut in my sleep - so I don't sleep and now I'm tired plus hungry. Not to mention the achy joints, ear ache from the pressure and the stress of the bills. Add that to menopause and I'm afraid...and people around me should be afraid.

Uptake scan is scheduled for Thursday at 5:30am...let's hope it's nothing serious but it's something so they can treat it.

Hi!
It's been oh so long since I started blogging - but sometimes - life just gets in the way. Since, I've last blogged, my mother-in-law has died, my brother-in-law has had a reoccurance of cancer, my daughter has been having blackouts and is seeing several specialists to figure out why and me - well my thyroid has swollen and I'm now undergoing tests to find out what's going on.
On a positive note, I've started doing some genealogy for my husband; I'm back to work teaching college classes, directing a play and doing some substitute teaching. In two months my middle child will be getting married. I don't have much on my plate - no wonder I'm always tired and crabby. LOL

I found a fun website http://www.kuriositas.com/ it's just for fun :) enjoy.